Knuckles caught moonlighting!

There are few who take an interest in ecclesial politics who have not noticed the radical change to have come over Archbishop of Birmingham Vincent “Knuckles” Nichols in the past few months.

As the retirement of Cardinal Cormac draws nearer, HG becomes more vocal and more pugilistic in an effort to increase his visibility and show himself to be the ‘hard-man’ of the English Church.

But where has this change in attitude come from? For a man to shake off the torpor of the English episcopate in such short order suggests that Archbishop Nichols may have had some coaching.

Here at the RCC, we felt an urgent investigation into this training regime was required. If we could discover his secret, more bishops might be taught to take a stand.

Following disclosures by a priest attached to the Cathedral, we can now reveal that HG Vinnie has been moonlighting as a talent judge on Independent Television’s programme “the X-Factor”.


Calling himself “Louis Walsh” and assuming an Hibernian accent, the Metropolitan has been honing his apologetics with fellow judges and practicing pastoral care with several fledgling boy-bands.

This rather eccentric second career for His Grace has thus far passed without censor – both Birmingham Cathedral and the Bishops’ Conference declined to comment.


9 thoughts on “Knuckles caught moonlighting!

  1. After his tasteful ‘flames of the Spirit’ chasuble on display in a previous post, His Grace has now taken to wearing a chasuble made out of curtains! Whatever next? This man has style! Give him a red hat, I say… or not.

  2. I disagree. HG is a shepherd of the flock and it is our duty to pay attention to him, he might very well be Cardinal by next year. Anyway, if any other bishop ever did anything of note I would comment on that.
    Your unhealthy obsession with Mme Royal is mitigated only by my feeling partly responsible for it!
    Furthermore I don’t even like the man!

  3. You certainly have to read the (Catholic) papers closely to see what the bishops have been up to. The problem with doing that is that you run the risk of finding disagreeable things. This is especially the case when the papers keep reporting the same issue – like the removal of the Holy Days of Obligation to their nearest Sunday.

    I think by ‘unhealthy obsession’ you surely mean ‘delightful interest’. That’s certainly how I, er, the Chair, sees it.


  4. Delightful interest, exactly, I mispoke.

    Indeed I confess I blur my eyes when reading the bishops’ engagements columns lest I actually see to much. Given my desire to maintain proper respect for them, I call this keeping custody of the eyes.

  5. Well, frankly I find it hard to see how Fr Nicholas’ can be improved upon – especially his comments on seminaries, music, Church vandelism, and new movements.

    And especially what he says about the need for proper training of new catechists, although I would add there needs to be an auditing of the current ones as well, to often I see little children spoon-fed heresy when they are meant to be being prepared for the sacraments.

    And I would include a very swift very hard kick up the arse for any priest who doesn’t feel the need to have all three readings used on a Sunday.

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